A Sociopath Beside Me Read online

  I was faced with a daunting task. How could I understand his reasoning and rationale when no boundaries existed, when there were no guidelines in my reasoning and reasonable mind trained to examine the unreasonable? I had to crawl inside his mind, inside his heart, and enter his soul. In effect, I had to become him in order to understand this emerging monster that had lived beside me. How could I do that and maintain my own sanity? How dangerous was the road to discovery? Would I be destroyed by trying to think as he did?

  To maintain my sanity, to reinforce to myself that I was rational and clear thinking and not drifting down his monstrous path, I pretended it was all a bad dream. I tried to do that, but there were times I could not. Even on the best of days, I was aware that the insanity was real, and coming from a real mind, albeit the mind of a sick and irrational sociopath. Think about that for a moment. How do you enter insanity with a sane mind and not fall over the edge? I kept thinking of his many victims and the terrible things they must have endured. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. So many times I had to stop and weep. But I began with little steps, starting with a re-examination of the past behaviors that I could remember. The small steps got larger. More and more of his past behavior did not survive strict study of the facts. I had let my rational self-protective self, override my emotions too long. I had to learn to let my emotional self loose, to follow where it led me, then see if what I thought was simply an emotional quirk was really something more. I began my journey into the sociopathic mind. I looked evil in the face and tried to stare it down.

  I began to question all his past behaviors. There were many red-flag moments that stood out. There were many moments that were not flagged, but seemed within the realm of normal at the time they happened. But in retrospect, they didn’t seem to fit the actions of their time. I had to revert to my training as a psychiatric nurse and use great force of will so I could start to put the pieces of this terrible puzzle in perspective. I searched for hidden pieces of the puzzle, clues that I had overlooked, or looked away from in order to protect myself.

  When they occurred, the fraud and deceptions were so perfectly orchestrated that they effectively disguised the truth. I realized I had been deceived. I was always an unwilling victim. But there were times I must have knowingly turned away. I described earlier the hairs standing on the nape of my neck. At those times, did I turn from the truth in order to protect myself? What he did was so perfectly orchestrated that the truth was effectively disguised. Still, there had to have been times I closed my eyes because the truth was so despicable. I refused to look evil in the eye at times, because the pain was far too great. How could I not have known? That question recurs. It haunts me still. I live with that pain today. But I know that I was sane then. I know I am sane now. I was an unknowing victim then. I refuse to be one now, and I continue to work on my personal healing process.

  I questioned myself then as I do today. Who was this person who appeared to comfort me and care for me? Was I just an oblivious pawn in his plan to deceive, or was it my fault? Was it even partly my fault? Over and over, again and still, I look for things I could have seen or done differently. But that’s part of the sociopath’s plan. He defers guilt to those around him. He manipulates and twists so others feel the pain while he smiles and continues his macabre game.

  I had to learn to think like him. In order to find the truth, I had to go inside his mind. If I did not muster up the courage for that frightful step, I could never learn how all this happened. I could never understand its meaning. I had to take that step. I had to understand his thinking. I had to see inside his soul. If I were ever to help myself and others, I had to see inside the twisted labyrinth within his head; I had to understand why he did the things he did. What I discovered on this agonizing journey took my breath away. At times my blood ran cold. I stared directly in the face of cold, calculating, evil. Perhaps most frightening of all, I found no motivation for the evil acts that he committed. He committed his unnatural crimes against nature simply because he could. It seemed his actions came from another world. Nothing on the surface of his life was at it seemed. He was terribly adept at covering up his real intentions. His family and his friends never realized that he was a fraud. There was an ulterior motive and hidden agenda to everything he did. All his actions were camouflaged so he could continue undetected, unnoticed, and uninterrupted; so he could continue his steady stream of preying on others for his own twisted amusement.

  My mission is to paint you the clearest possible picture of the mind of a sociopath, to help you recognize the darkness of his soul. I will share what I have learned, what I have experienced on this dreadful journey. Perhaps I can keep you from the pain of unsuspecting victimization. It is a terrible pain. First it comes from elsewhere, from the sociopath who plays with your mind. Finally, he accomplishes his will, and you heap pain upon yourself. It’s not a conscious act, but the pain is real. It’s part of his plan. It’s what the sociopath beside you intended. It’s what Marvin wanted, all along.

  Chapter Three — MASTER OF DISGUISE

  Is there a central defense against these masters of disguise? How can we avoid becoming trapped in his personal agenda? How can we avoid the sociopath beside us, or living near us, or only passing through? How can we disarm him? The answer is both simple and complex nearly past understanding. See him for what he is. That is our central defense. That is our main weapon to keep us out of his clutches, to avoid or disarm the sociopath’s agenda. It is essential you recognize the signs and symptoms of this personality disorder.

  First and foremost, be aware of those around you. Question anything that appears to show a lack of conscience. When you worry about someone else’s actions, don’t hide that worry in a corner of your mind that never sees the light of reason. Never turn away. Examine each troublesome incident until it can be safely filed away in a folder labeled “dumb,” or “only a mistake,” or “inadvertent.” If it doesn’t fit in any of the safer categories, keep the incident in an open file that you visit every day. Keep it in the glaring light of active inspection until there is resolution. Again, never turn away from doubt. Never shrug your shoulders or turn your face away. Persist.

  It is to the sociopath’s advantage to appear normal, to blend in with society. To this end, they become masters of disguise. They lead a double life. The public sees what the sociopath wants them to see. The life he loves is hidden from their view. The sociopath’s public persona has fewer boundaries than most of us. That’s a major clue. Their private self knows no boundaries at all. Look closely for a lack of conscience. If you say to yourself, “I could never have done that to someone else,” beware. Proceed with caution. If you find an overt disregard of morals, no guilt, no remorse, don’t proceed at all. But do not look away. Don’t rationalize. The results could be devastating. The end-game in the sociopath’s wicked game is often emotionally crippling. Sometimes people die. Don't turn and look the other way. Don’t pretend it isn’t there. You will spend the rest of your life punishing yourself if you do not take a stand.

  Question any oddity. Look for reason and sense within the answers. If the response is illogical, chances are you’re listening to a lie. And know that just beneath the surface of that lie is the sociopath’s real agenda. You are coming closer to his ulterior motive. The closer you come to understanding truth, the safer you will be.

  Sociopaths are selfish by nature. They seldom engage in any activity that doesn’t offer personal gain or recognition. Very often, in order to hide his selfish nature, he will engage in what seems selfless behavior. There’s often a red flag there, something that seems not quite right, a little out of the ordinary. As example, the predator who sexually abuses children will often hide behind a façade of loving children. Look closely at illogical behavior where your child or any child is involved: the coach who does too much, the counselor who wants to see your child in his home, the playground supervisor who cannot keep his hands away from the children in his charge. The great majorit
y of these, the coaches and counselors and playground supervisors, are good people and operate with the highest motives. But frighteningly, the sexual predator has learned to mimic their good behavior. But the signs are most often there. When you see something that doesn’t seem quite right, it probably is not right. At minimum, each unusual action must be questioned. What appears to be a selfless gesture may turn out to be the snarling, clawed attack of the proverbial wolf in sheep’s clothing. Once more, our best defense is awareness and willingness to question.

  Chapter Four — HUNTER ON THE HUNT

  The sociopath preys on others in a variety of ways and for a variety of reasons. His game is as variable as the weather. The only question is what he wants, what interests him, what deviant thrill he can derive from using you as the pawn in his never-ending game of self satisfaction. Often he doesn’t really want what he takes from you. It is the very act of taking that thrills him. He will explore and exploit any crack in your armor to amuse himself. The conquest is all. The manipulation and control of whoever crosses his path is his sole reason for being. It is the reason he arises in the morning and what fuels his dreams at night. He is relentless in his pursuit. He never tires. He cannot accept “no” as a response to his inappropriate requests or demands. Interestingly, he particularly targets the soft hearted. They are easy prey, and he derives a macabre sense of satisfaction in damaging the trusting heart.

  Perversely, the sociopath sees his own lack of conscience as strength. He does not understand morals, guilt, or remorse. He has no emotional attachment to others. He considers loyalty and gratitude as weakness.

  The sociopath needs money to live. He needs money to further his games. He will take the easy money first, a few dollars here and there, lent and never repaid, then jump to taking whatever isn’t guarded. No family member, spouse, close friend or business associate is immune from the financial scheming of the sociopath. It is an easy jump for him to help himself to another’s checkbook and credit card, all without permission and all without remorse. From a few dollars loan to a request to a spouse to liquidate her funds is a simple path for the accomplished sociopath. He takes the same delight in emptying his child’s piggy bank as he does in bankrupting a spouse. Only when the money trail is memory, when there are no future funds on the horizon, will the sociopath move on, leaving his victim broke, in debt, and often homeless. I know. I have walked that road.

  The sociopath has an all-pervasive sense of entitlement, his path of self-gain sometimes leaving a criminal history. His record, if it is brought to light, may include theft, check fraud, identity theft, lawsuit abuse, insurance abuse, fraudulent loans, even robbery.

  But money’s not the main thing. While the money trail may be the easiest to discover and examine, it is important only in that it allows a certain lifestyle, allows the sociopath the freedom to continue his manipulation of others. Other people’s money allows him the opportunity to spend his time mastering manipulation, to learn more sophisticated ways to damage others, to develop his cunning, to practice his perversions. The predator remembers what has and has not worked in the past. He applies this knowledge to the future. He begins to develop and refine techniques for manipulating his pawns. With passing time, these techniques become more sophisticated. With each success, his ways become more callused.

  There is a second side to the predator’s manipulation. Just as he delights in manipulating others, he also does his best to manipulate his environment, to make it safe, to let him hide from the light of knowledge. He will learn how the criminal system works. He will study that system to see how it can benefit him. He will tangle pursuit in red tape. He will lay a many layered smokescreen so he can go unnoticed. This is the framework the sociopath will use to continue his craft.

  Chapter Five — LIES, LIES, AND MORE LIES

  The lies generated by a sociopath are pathological by nature. A pathological liar can often be distinguished from an occasional liar by the shear volume of lies. This particular behavior appears to be driven by both obsession and compulsion. He has a compulsion to fool you. He is obsessed with seeing if he can. Because of this, even the simplest conversation will be studded with lies, half-truths, and misdirection. All of life becomes a game to see if he can fool you. Fortunately, the brazen lying often becomes bizarre. When it does that, it’s easier to catch him in those lies. When he is caught in enough lies, the diagnosis becomes clear. When the diagnosis becomes clear, action can be taken. It must be taken, else he takes your self-respect and leaves you naked.

  Within the sociopath’s web of lies most often is a little truth, put there on purpose to hide the bigger lie. It may be something as inconsequential as the right day of the week or a time that can be checked. It’s only there to add confusion, to make us jump to the idea that if any truth is there, he can’t be telling lies. It is only a smoke screen, there to confuse us so the predator can continue his stalking uninterrupted and unobserved.

  The sociopath uses lies to find more victims. Lying is often a fishing process, targeting the soft hearted. He gets his victims’ cooperation with his smiling lies. But he goes too far. He reaches a point where his response to questioning leaves you unsatisfied, confused, weary of his false front. The oft-told lie wears thin and is seen for what it is. It is here you must not turn away. It is at this point where questioning must bombard him until he slips and gives himself away. To pull away, to turn the other cheek, would only give the predator a free pass for bigger impropriety. When you reach this point, get away. Protect yourself. Put distance between the predator and his pawn. And perhaps the hardest thing of all, get the authorities involved. It has been your often thankless job to discover his indecency. It has been a dark and lonely job. Turn the evidence over to the police. Let society shine the bright light of truth on what has happened. And thank the Lord you finally got away.

  Chapter Six — THE CLOSET

  I was visited with heartbreaking emotions when I first proposed to write this book. I didn’t want needed details to again exploit any of his earlier victims. How, I wondered, could I teach people to avoid being victims in the future if I denied them the experience of the past? I strongly considered diluting the emotions, diluting the exploitation, diluting the impact on the individual. I was torn between wanting to protect others, and the natural tendency to protect myself from revisiting the terrible truths that wanted to seek me out and harm me once again. I wanted to hide. I wanted to dig a hole and pull myself in and never deal with the terror again. But if I truly wanted to help others avoid the traps set by a sociopath, I had to look straight into the face of the devil one more time. That sounds grand and altruistic, but admittedly, I had to use the truth to heal myself as well. If I looked away from evil, that evil would live inside me. If it continued to live inside me, I knew it would destroy me. I decided it was paramount to the truth, important to the reader, and absolutely necessary to my well being to be open and frank and relentlessly honest. There were times I turned away from memories too painful to consider. But I always came back. I began again, in spite of the pain, and as the truth found its way into print, the pain was slowly replaced by pride. Surely the truth would be important to strangers who happened on this book. And surely, I began to see and understand, the truth would heal me. I prayed the truth might set me free.

  I have minimized personal, identifying details. I have tried to protect the victim’s identity. Still, I had to use enough detail that the behaviors of the sociopath could be put on display and recognized by the reader. Protecting identity while fully exposing techniques and tools used by the sociopath has been hard. I suspect I have erred in each direction. I hope I have not strayed too far in either misdirection. I ask the reader to look past the personal details of the sociopath’s victims, and see the manipulator, the devil himself, at work. Observe closely. And being aware, beware. Observe the manipulations, lies, deceits, disguises, and deviant patterns of the sociopath. See the absence of conscience, emotional vacancy, total disregard and contem
pt for his victims. Imagine no loyalties, no concern or caring for anyone but himself. Imagine no restraints. Imagine, if you dare, the blank tablet inside the sociopath’s mind.

  Chapter Seven -THE PHONE CALL

  I remember every detail of the phone call. I have perfect recall of the emotions that swept over me and threatened to pull me under. I recoiled from the fear that filled me. I remember my knees buckling and collapsing on the couch. The voice was telling me that Marvin was accused of being a pedophile, of seducing children. The sociopath beside me had finally gone too far. Children had talked and told, and while a dread nearly filled my soul, a small part of me felt a tiny tremor of hope. Now, perhaps, there might be a reckoning. But that call turned many lives upside down past understanding. The call brought horror out in the open and nearly robbed me of reason. I remember the voice on the phone being partially drowned out by a loud ringing noise in my ears, and how I was struggling to keep from passing out. I remember dropping the receiver onto the cushion next to me because my hand was trembling so violently that I could no longer grip the phone. I was so traumatized by the news that it took me a full minute to realize that the sobbing voice saying, “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know”, over and over again, was mine. The guilt and responsibility that I felt was crushing. My not knowing, my turning away from the truth, had protected Marvin. My turning a blind eye had let the sociopath beside me work his evil. It was my fault. My fault. My fault. Just as Marvin had intended.